Missing you
missing you, Mom. Every single day.
We've got a new roof, new gutters, new washer, dryer, fridge, car, tv and wishing you were here to share in it. We made it through a rough year and are looking forward to spring but I keep looking around and wishing you could see this. The trees are starting to bloom.
My counselor thinks I've done some really great work and have made some really good insights and inroads. She says my desire to do some self exploration is normal. we tend to either stop growing emotionally and/or mentally when hit with major crisis points and start up again later or skip some steps. When you skip steps its not surprising when you have to back track and hit those steps.
So maybe I am around 19-20s in some ways. After the Corps we were just trying to survive on very little money, with PTSD and beginning alcoholism and self-abusive behavior. Our choices weren't too brilliant then either.
I knew when we moved in together to care for each other I was giving up a chance at a lot of self identity and growth. You gotta admit, Mom, one look from you could cut someone down to size in a heartbeat. If you disapproved of something, it usually went your way. It was just easier that way. You gave up some of your self identity and I gave up a lot.
We survived, Mom, we made it through a lot of years but now I'm finding I feel confused and puzzled. I'm not sure who I am on some levels. So, I've been taking some interesting on line courses on goth subjects and exploring aspects of interests. I've determined I have a lot of goth aspects but I'm not really a goth. I am an aging metalhead/horror fanatic.
Part of my exploration is changing my room a bit. I know you really never understood my attraction to horror movies except for you imprinting a love of Sherlock Holmes, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing and the Hound of the Baskervilles when pregnant with me. I can't explain it either except that it just is. Alice Cooper, Buffy, Xena and horror movies.
I've painted two of my walls a deep wine red. It took several coats but the color is DEEP. I've trimmed the window and baseboards on the two walls black. The other two walls are staying the sage green. On the red I'm going an 'iron lattice' stencil in a pewter silver/grey that is turning out REALLY nicely! I have new horror movie posters that are framed and got frames for my Alice Cooper posters. Looks much nicer and not like at teenage boy's posters.
I'll post pictures of the color tomorrow (later today).
Love you, Mom. It's time to start putting away some of the turtles and weeding through your clothes and stuff. With warmer weather right around the corner, we can really turn that room into a craft/guest room.
It's so hard without you, Mom, but I'm making progress in counseling and in self.
Now if my creative streak would start hitting my writing again <sigh>
We've got a new roof, new gutters, new washer, dryer, fridge, car, tv and wishing you were here to share in it. We made it through a rough year and are looking forward to spring but I keep looking around and wishing you could see this. The trees are starting to bloom.
My counselor thinks I've done some really great work and have made some really good insights and inroads. She says my desire to do some self exploration is normal. we tend to either stop growing emotionally and/or mentally when hit with major crisis points and start up again later or skip some steps. When you skip steps its not surprising when you have to back track and hit those steps.
So maybe I am around 19-20s in some ways. After the Corps we were just trying to survive on very little money, with PTSD and beginning alcoholism and self-abusive behavior. Our choices weren't too brilliant then either.
I knew when we moved in together to care for each other I was giving up a chance at a lot of self identity and growth. You gotta admit, Mom, one look from you could cut someone down to size in a heartbeat. If you disapproved of something, it usually went your way. It was just easier that way. You gave up some of your self identity and I gave up a lot.
We survived, Mom, we made it through a lot of years but now I'm finding I feel confused and puzzled. I'm not sure who I am on some levels. So, I've been taking some interesting on line courses on goth subjects and exploring aspects of interests. I've determined I have a lot of goth aspects but I'm not really a goth. I am an aging metalhead/horror fanatic.
Part of my exploration is changing my room a bit. I know you really never understood my attraction to horror movies except for you imprinting a love of Sherlock Holmes, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing and the Hound of the Baskervilles when pregnant with me. I can't explain it either except that it just is. Alice Cooper, Buffy, Xena and horror movies.
I've painted two of my walls a deep wine red. It took several coats but the color is DEEP. I've trimmed the window and baseboards on the two walls black. The other two walls are staying the sage green. On the red I'm going an 'iron lattice' stencil in a pewter silver/grey that is turning out REALLY nicely! I have new horror movie posters that are framed and got frames for my Alice Cooper posters. Looks much nicer and not like at teenage boy's posters.
I'll post pictures of the color tomorrow (later today).
Love you, Mom. It's time to start putting away some of the turtles and weeding through your clothes and stuff. With warmer weather right around the corner, we can really turn that room into a craft/guest room.
It's so hard without you, Mom, but I'm making progress in counseling and in self.
Now if my creative streak would start hitting my writing again <sigh>
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