Thanksgiving Memories of Two Amazing Women and Grief

11/27/14

Two years ago Mom was in the hospital and we had just gotten the news she had aggressive small-cell lung cancer and we had maybe two months, probably less.  We were reeling from that blow after she had gone into the hospital. 

She was very determined to be home for the holiday.  We had David and Serena’s oldest boy here, Chris.  He came up from his training at the Naval station in Florida. 

In 1988, right before Thanksgiving, Grandma went into surgery for a heart valve angioplasty.  We thought it was something of a routine hospital stay for her, she had a few before that and they didn’t anticipate any problems, she didn’t come through the surgery very well.  The surgeon came out and Mom went into the operating room and asked Grandma if she should call George and should we have them try to fight for her.  Grandma nodded her head.

I didn’t fully understand what a decision that was for Mom.  I know that Jackie and I were numb right then.  When the surgeon came out in his scrubs he had blood on his the coverings of his shoes.  We were stabbed right through the heart when we realized that it was Grandma’s blood and things were serious.

The doctors and nurses fought and fought hard.  Uncle George flew in from Texas and Jackie and I knew things were very, very serious but the doctors were optimistic and we went home for a sleepless night.  The phone rang at 8 a.m. and I was moving before my feet hit the floor.  I knew.  Mom told us to get to the hospital, things weren’t going well.

Grandma had maxed out on the medication and wasn’t coming through.  The doctors had temporarily shut off the breathing machine and she didn’t take a breath on her own.

Uncle George left all the decisions to Mom. He said it was because Mom had been living with Grandma for so long she had that right even though he was 8 years older and the son. 

Mom wanted me to go in with her.  When we walked into the curtained area where Grandma was in I.C.U. I was stunned.  Not by the wires, bags, tubes and how frail she looked but somehow Mom and I both knew in an instant, Grandma wasn’t there any longer.  Her body was being kept alive but her spirit, her soul, had gone already.  We both said that to each other and knew what the decision was.

I remember being numb and a little surprised that Mom had wanted me to go in with her instead of Uncle George.  I didn’t realize then how much she would lean on me during that time.  We came out and talked with Uncle George, Jackie and I think Susie was there.  We agreed to turn off the machines.

It took a while for the doctor to be found and brought up.  During that time the hospital Chaplain came by with 3x5 index cards in his hand. A lovely, giving but exhausted man, and he looked up from his cards and asked if we were the Carr family and did we want to pray.  Jackie and I were adamant pagans, Susie is Baha’I and Uncle George and Mom pretty agnostic.  I hate to say it but the man had the energy of a ghoul and it didn’t feel right.  Mom thanked him and said we would ask for his assistance afterwards.

I know he was a volunteer and was giving of his soul, his time and his faith and I apologize to his memory and to his family for not praying a short prayer with him to honor and acknowledge his willingness to come into our grief at that moment.

The doctor turned off the machines and Grandma didn’t breath on her own and he came out just minutes later and said she was gone.  We were so numb. She had been our rock since I was a little kid. If we needed a place to run to or live the door was open.

A Catholic sister was walking by, a plus-sized model as they’d say these days – we’d say she was big boned and asked if she could join us.  She had such a loving, open and healing energy that Mom just feel into her arms weeping.  It wouldn’t have mattered what religion she was in the moment. It wasn’t about religion and we are still grateful to her and the entire staff of St. Agnes hospital.

When everyone got back to Grandma’s place we just looked at everything in the house and Uncle George hesitated at Grandma’s chair and Mom told him to go ahead, he was the head of the family now.  He sat down but we noticed he didn’t spend much time there when he was sitting.

Tinkler Mission handled Grandma’s funeral arrangements. She had preplanned everything and everything was paid for. At first she was going to be buried in Fresno but Uncle George and Mom felt that wasn’t right.  They had to take Grandma home and place her next to Grandpa.

We had a viewing and Mom had picked out the dress.  The morticians had done a really good job countering some of the effects of Grandma’s last two days. We said our goodbyes, just the family, and Mom put a small piece of fabric with a threaded needle and thimble in with Grandma and a crystal.

The first visitor for the viewing was Kathy from the Brass Unicorn which surprised but helped Jackie and I.  During the day I was the one that stayed with Grandma, almost as an honor guard.  Mom and Jackie would come back for small periods of time and brought me lunch but I was the one that greeted and thanked everyone.  I found out later that everyone had been a little amazed and very proud of me for doing that.  At the time I felt and thought that is what was needed and I stepped up.

I felt Mom leaning on me a bit more and more over the days.

She and Uncle George took Grandma home and Mom had a fight with preacher and elders of the church where Grandma had gone most of her adult life while in Green Forrest. Grandma wanted one of her oldest and dearest friends to speak at the memorial and the board refused, no woman was going to speak in church.

Archaic, right?  Mom was angry and put her foot down. That was what Grandma had wanted and that’s what her mother was going to get or she’d hold the memorial in the g-ddamn town square.  The board finally agreed as long as Clairice (sp?) didn’t speak from the pulpit but from the floor.  Grandma had written what she wanted Clairise to read, had picked the music, everything.   

That Thanksgiving was hard.  Towards the end of the day Mom fell asleep in Grandma’s chair and for a moment Jackie and I were breathless, it was like a foreshadowing of the future, she looked so much like Grandma falling asleep in the chair that it was eerie.  When Mom woke up a few moments later we told her she couldn’t do that!

Now it’s just Jackie and I here for Thanksgiving, our second one without Mom. 

That last Thanksgiving with Mom was rough.  Mom was trying to get permission to get out of the hospital, Jackie was cooking and Chris was running me back and forth from the hospital and helping us cook.  It was after dark when Mom got her discharge papers and Chris and I drove back to the hospital. The staff there were amazing and had fallen in love with Mom and her welcoming, loving energy.

Chris pulled up around the slope to the back door and we got Mom inside with her walker.

Jackie did an amazing job on the meal and none of us ate very much. I think Mom had one or two bites of mashed potatoes and stuffing. 

We found out later that when I was guiding Chris’ car up the slope that Mom told him “this was going to go a lot faster” than I was believing and that she loved Chris and was proud of the man he was becoming. 

Last year Jackie and I promised Lynn and Jerry to go out for Thanksgiving if we weren’t going to make a special dinner at home.  We couldn’t do a dinner, not with just two of us and not then.  We went out to Golden Corral and it was a good day.  The lines were insane, it was like trying to get onto Space Mountain at Disneyland but the line moved quickly and everyone was friendly, everyone talking to each other and explaining why they were out instead at home. Relatives had flown in from various places, it was too much hassle or too hard on the patriarchs and matriarchs of the families, and that. The servers were bright and cheerful and the food was good.  We ate a little bit of various things and were grateful for each other, for the house, for the sacrifices we had made to get the house, our friends and family and our pets.  We were also kinda of coasting through the day.

Now it’s 2 years later and it’s hard.  Mom always got a little depressed in the fall.  She missed the turning of the leaves in fall and ached to see the Ozark Mountains again in fall and she had a hard time with the anniversary of Grandma’s death.

Right there with you, Mom.

We are grateful but it’s really hard without Mom.

Now I have a headache, I haven’t finished my tea and haven’t eaten.  The memories came flooding this morning.  I need to call, text and email our Thanksgiving wishes to everyone.