She Knew

email to my best friend who's having a delayed Mardi Gras party (delayed because of a tornado) - I can't write this out again.

Mama - I'm hurt and p*ssed off and pretty tore up all over again.

Steph;

Hope your party has been fantastic!

My cousin is here. I'm thinking of going to Stone Mountain tomorrow. He has a reliable car and we've never been to the park.

I talked with him about Mom and how fast it happened.  He confirmed what we suspected - Mom knew she wasn't going to get through chemo. She knew it wouldn't even be four months. She knew.  Why didn't she tell us? Why?

When I was guiding Chris around to the back of the house over the rougher terrain with Mom so we could get her in the back door (2 steps compared to a lot of stairs) - she looked at cousin Chris and said: "This is going to happen fast. Barbie thinks I've got four months but I don't.  I won't see you again. I love you, very much."

Why didn't she tell me that? Why didn't she tell us she was proud of us, angry at us, whatever? There's so much we could have talked about - she could have told me who the f*ck is in the photos on the wall and what the secret to her potato salad is, damnit! She didn't think we could handle the truth? We could have made those few days better. She and the doctor did talk before we got there, she knew she wouldn't make it to the chemo but let us have hope, why? 

I'm sorry, I'm falling apart right now. Hopefully you aren't reading this until tomorrow - long after the party.

I love you, my friend.  I miss my Mama. - I want my Mama.

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