Letters to Mom

Hey, I figured out what the stomach problem is last night.  My last doctor casually mentioned that I have a hernia just below the sternum last Feb (2012) and said it wasn't a problem since I didn't have major heartburn.   She didn't ask about the acid taste in the back of my throat, trouble swallowing at times, stomach aches, etc.  She also didn't ask again in Nov when this REALLY kicked in.   Chasing down the symptoms I hit on the acid re-flux   I've never had the burning pain in the chest people talk about and the pain hasn't been specific food related. At times simple water or broth hurts but the other symptoms fit and I remembered the hernia.  I've had two stomach surgeries, opened up from sternum to bikini underwear line and I've always had one muscle at the top that is sensitive: I cough, sneeze or lift something and it sometimes goes "ZING, Hey, I'm here! I'm going to cause some pain now, how's that for your day?!" ...

Hey Ma; I'm going to give something new a try at the VA.  My colon test came back looking fantastic. My tests are looking okay so that means either I'm developing an ulcer but it's not bleeding or I've totally psyched myself out with all the stress, grief, fear, and depression and can't eat. My new doctor has put me on a new med for my stomach.  So far there's no improvement. I may need to go back in and get a test to see if it is an ulcer and not just a "nervous" stomach. My counselor is very concerned that I'm not dealing with grief but that its shifted to a major depression and dealing with grief. I need to find a way to bounce out of this.  She also thinks I'm ready to tackle the PTSD now.  Hell, at this point, I'll try it.  It's controlled my life ever since I was five years old. She asked if I would volunteer for a study at the VA - yoga/meditation for survivors/PTSD sufferers.  Non-invasive, low impact for survivors, wome...

Hey, Ma; Good news from the latest tests at the VA.  The colon test came back great.  I admit I was a little worried, not just about taking the test but the possible results. With the abuse issues that can lead to ulcers in the colon later in life, I was worried.  It came back great.  Yay! The blood work looks good, no anemia, the liver, kidneys and such are good.  My new doctor wants to check my vitamin levels because of my weight loss. There's more, however.  A bit irritating. The VA here is overwhelmed and it's easy to slip through the cracks. They're very good at ordering any kind of test and referral you might need but it can take 2-3 months to see your primary care doctor. Last Feb. I finally got in to see my new doctor and she had the flu and wanted me to reschedule. I asked her to give me 5 minutes to do my med renewal (a requirement every quarter or more if you take narcotics). She wasn't happy but I got the meds renewed, let her know...

Made it through the exam today, Mom.  I didn't even need sedating, a good thing.  My entire body is all upset, however. It is definitely not liking food. got very little sleep last night so we're both very tired.

Hey Ma; Finally got around to removing you off my bank account.  We still haven't heard from SSI about repaying December's check that you received. Well, I have a joyous day planned: preparing for the colon exam tomorrow.  I couldn't write last night because of threatening panic attacks.  I hate going to the VA, I hate appointments and I especially hate this.  With my history of sexual abuse, this is one exam that will definitely be unpleasant.  So today I get to try and drink all this gunk they sent me (which they still haven't called to tell me how to prep for the exam - I had to hit the internet). In other words - oy humbug.

Hey Ma; I signed onto a writing month with National November Writing Month website. They host a "summer camp" - like November, the goal is to write as much as possible within a month.  I've signed up before but never got anywhere.  This year, since I planned on rewriting one of my original novels, I decided to go for it and I'm actually getting pages done.  So far, even with the slight increase in the anti-depressant meds I'm writing.  Not sure if it's good writing yet, first draft stuff, but I am keeping at it. VA I'm scheduled for a colonscopy Friday and I tried to find out information to prep for the test. I've got a bunch of liquid stuff to drink the day before but needed answers to whether I take my meds the night before and the morning of the test, do I change to just clear soup the day before? Stuff like that. I called the Telephone Advice nurse at the VA and told I needed to talk to them at the GI clinic.  Okay. Transferred.  Explained m...

I did some running around today, Mom. For some reason my check was held on "pending" for two days.  It should have been clear midnight into the 3rd but wasn't released until LATE yesterday.  WTH? Jackie wasn't up to errands so I go to go in search of a new coffee maker for her and cat food.  Once again Big Lots was out of puppy pads. That's the third month in a row.  We just hope Fred's has a large bag at the reduced price.   I seem to be having trouble accepting that you're gone, Mom.  I couldn't have stood there watching you take your last breath. How does that happen? It was surreal.  You're not here to help make decisions about the house, the bills, to see things as they get ready for spring.  To encourage me through this stomach stuff. Damnit

Well, Ma, you'd think it was spring around here. It's 67F here today and it feels good.  Problem is that by Thursday it'll be 52F and raining. Argh! We've got some things for sale on a website so we have crossed fingers.  Jackie is working on the tablecloth that you started and she finished the tree embroidery you both had started.  I'm working on the 3rd bluebird panel. My stomach is still upset most of the time Still can't believe you aren't here, Mom.