Letters to Mom

5 years, Mama.  Many days it feels like yesterday.  We miss you.  I miss you so many times during the day that it's probably bordering on weird. You were definitely around on the 1st.  Pulling into the lot at a RiteAid and hearing the opening chords to Baba O'Reilly made me smile and listen to the entire thing in the lot. Then there was Meat Loaf on the way to Wal-Mart. Then seeing something beyond expected - a mini-van with a sticker on the back that said "Are you a turtle?"  I almost knocked on the window to ask if she collected turtles.  I've never seen that sticker before, Ma. Then immediately after - Do Ya Think I'm Sexy by Rod Stewart comes on. Love you too, Mom.

Never really thought that Charles Manson would last this long.  May his soul be blotted out for all eternity. I vaguely remember a sense of unease in the house at the time, Mom.  Being way down in LA helped keep a full blown panic away but I remember you avoiding the news at night for awhile, I think you were trying to keep that from me and can understand that. I remember clearly the school bus kidnapping too.  I was a little older and rode the school bus everyday and it wasn't that far from us - what an hour and a half, maybe?  Miss you, Mom.  This time of year is always worse.  I haven't watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas since watching it with you in the Emergency Room.  I think I see my psych tomorrow.  The pain in the hands and all over body aches and back and........ etc/etc/etc make it hard to cope lately and I sometimes wonder if I can keep this up for another 10-25 yrs, Mom. I still have one dream left unfulfilled, Mom.  One can't come true because Sir

My foot and two smallest toes are blue with some purples.  Some pain but nowhere near like it was Friday.  It's been annoying - oh well, could have been worse

Jackie jumped in to help with the sweeping and mopping this morning. I did the kitchen, dining room, hallway and cleaned and mopped the bathroom. While she did some mopping I set about feeding the cats their small bit of canned food they get every morning.  House slippers + slick press on tiles =  ow ow ow.  I twisted to keep from hitting my elbow – the same arm/elbow I’ve broken 3x in my life already.   I landed hard on my leg, knee and twisted my foot.   Ow – the knee is slightly upset with me and my foot is WAY unhappy.   I don’t know if I broke the foot or not, the toes are angry but they move.   So, I’m hobbling around the house with a throbbing foot.   Joy

Kinda down, Ma.  Losing Harry Dean Stanton wasn't really a surprise. The guy that created the Rockford Files, A-Team, Baretta, etc. Hugh Hefner, Monty Hall........ and Tom Petty.  That last one was a shock.  Age 66. On top of that there was a female police officer killed here in Georgia and then 59 people killed at a concert in Las Vegas with 500 injured.  A gunman with an illegally altered weapon sprayed the crowd from a room high up.  The perfect perch. Isis claimed him which is highly unlikely but the fact that Antifa claimed him as one of theirs might be true.  Was he a leftist nutjob?  The last shooting that made headlines was a leftist nutjob that opened up on Republicans at a baseball field. And the Democrats and IDIOTIC "gun control" advocates want to take our guns.  How the hell does taking away my legally purchased weapon lower the crime rate?  Fuck that added: we're adapting to going to the gym fairly regularly.  Jackie's fibro/RA has slowed her

We missed Monday because of the hurricane.  Wed. went okay - I pushed more on the bike than I did this last summer and worked to exercise the muscles more on the circut.  I was a little stiff yesterday but not as bad as I feared.  Wed night my hands and forearms hurt really bad so I pulled back a little on the machine that hits those and went a little light on one of the shoulder ones. My muscles pull out of whack so easily, Ma! We took "before photos" - Jackie is dismayed that she's at 160-163lbs.  I was at 160, today it was 156 1/2 - if I can keep it headed downhill....  optimum weight would be 130-135 lbs.  Healthy would be 140 lbs. Not easy but we're more motivated to get up and go, thankfully.  Jackie wasn't up to it Wed but I was going to go without her and she changed her mind and was glad that she did. Wish us well, Mom.  I think this time she really wants to get healthy.  Me too

Jackie's cholesterol numbers are up and her blood sugar is slightly above average.  She's determined to get healthy inside of just ignoring doctor suggestions.  She's joined Gold's Gym with me and we had our meeting with a trainer and got suggestions for eating habits and workout.  I'm a problem case, of course.  My carpal tunnel, Viking's disease and bad back makes getting physically active a bit diffcult.  I'm going to focus on my legs and cardio on the recline bicycle and slowly start building the strength back in my arms being careful with the forearms and shoulder muscles. Jackie did 2 rounds on the circuit and I did 25 minutes on the bike Friday.  Ended up doing 3.3 miles - the last bit at a faster rate.  Tomorrow we'll give it another go around. Jackie's watching her calories (so am I).  We miss the mark but have dropped the calories a lot and she's learning just how many calories are in some things like white bread.  After losing

You would be so proud of Nick, Mom!  He graduated last Friday at the top of his class (one guy beat him academically by 1 point and physically by 4 pushups).  He's lost more weight and has toned up nicely.  We got to watch his graduation on the internet (couldn't spot him, of course, oh well). Then we got a call Saturday that he was flying to his schooling in Pensacola and he was coming through Atlanta with an hour delay between flights.  "What time?" asks I.  "9:45 tonight," says he.  "We'll be there." Because he was traveling with a group they got held up and we only got 5 minutes with him before he and a friend had to rush back to go and get to the next gate.  It was so great to see him!  We got a call Sunday, a face-time call - like Dick Tracy - we could see him and he could see us - yay!  He's so excited about his class and job.  He can't tell us what part of the base he's on except that the rooms are really nice (a/c,

It amazes me how much I miss you, Mama.  We don't ever really get over a loss like this.  We do the same thing you did after losing Grandma - seeing a bolt of material, smiling a sad smile and say "Mom" and Jackie knows exactly what I mean. Adjusting to the hand and forearms being sketchy is difficult.  Knowing my hand isn't going to get better really sucks.  Everything I do involves my hand.  I've really got to get into Dragon and treat it like a school course or something.  I know you can use voice recognition to give commands to the computer beyond just the typing. I ordered a left-handed shell for my pistol (already have the base holster).  I got a call last night that the left won't fit my holster base.  I had sent back the first one as it being too small for my Kimber.  The guy said that since switching from being right handed to left handed wasn't my choice and is a medical thing he gave me a deal on the entire holster for left handed.  Most awe

Missing you like crazy, Mama! Its' always worse on birthdays, anniversaries and winter solstice.  Lynn sent a 'thinking of you' card for you, Mom.  I know she talks to you daily like I do.  Your friendship with Lynn, Susie and Marie was special, Ma, we know Lynn & Susie are still hurting too. We heard from Nick, he's a little stressed with boot camp but then, who isn't when they go through that.  He's already passed the physical part, which he was hoping to do right off the bat.  That reduces a lot of stress.  Now he just has to focus on the book stuff and learning to march and the other "need to know" stuff to serve in the military. I admit that we miss the kid. I've rearranged and cleaned up the back room.  We added a dresser that we cleaned up and painted (we were gifted that from neighbor Frank).  Put away Nick's clothes and items and rearranged some of the shelving and the room is very liveable now.  I'm working in there at

We lost Mouse yesterday morning, Mom.  You would have really liked the little fur ball.  She wasn't growing as fast as I thought she should and I don't think her lungs were up to speed and a runny nose ended up in URI within hours before we could get her to a vet.  It could be she was rejected by the mama cat, we don't know.  We do know that she was loved and knew it.  She knew our voices, touch, scents and wanted to snuggle with us for comfort. Hurts. The depression about the hands/arms is pretty high or low or however you want to look at it.  I'm working on rearranging and cleaning Nick's room/office/guest room so I can work back there with voice recognition and learn how to vocalize my thoughts and especially my fiction writing.  I was taught at a very early age not to verbalize, especially dealing with pain, anger, helplessness, etc. Now I'm in pain not only from the back but also the forearms and hands and I can't write.  My way of creatively work

I'm struggling with some major problems with my hands and arms and don't type much any longer.  Yes, a writer that can't type or write.  Not good.  I'm attempting to work with voice recognition software but its difficult in that I don't like to talk much. LOL - I'll figure it out yet.  I haven't heard from my doctor about x-rays I had taken last week yet.  We'll see if there's anything that can be done besides icy/hot cream and braces. We're doing okay on this end, actually.  Our youngest cousin left last Monday for Navy bootcamp.  He's entered into a six year contract and will be working with computers on really high levels.  He came to stay with us last September and weighed 270 lbs.  Within six months he was at 200 lbs and had trimmed down nicely.  He worked very hard on his swimming (taught by former Navy Seals) and exercise to build up his endurance.  He also worked hard at part time jobs that quickly became full time j

We've been working around the house and some in the yard, Ma.  I think you'd like how the yard is turning out.  The black mulch looks good against the light yellow house and oranges of the marigolds and greens of the myrtle and squash.  Inside Jackie started repainting the cabinets like we talked about before losing you and I recaulked the bathroom today.  It's supposed to rain for the next 5 days - joy.  We'll never get the back lawn mowed! Missing you, Mom, as always.  We're going to miss Nick terribly, I think. He's working at getting in prime shape, focusing on his running and swimming especially.  I'm hoping we can figure out how to manage to get the retaining wall built in front of the retaining wall that isn't retaining so well before he leaves. Mom, you'd be surprised at how BIG Fuzz-bot has gotten! 15 lbs of short-hair, Siamese attitude!  My blue-eyed demon.  There are times when I get very tired, Mom, especially with the arms and ha

Missing you, Mama; I was in the dollar store Friday and they had the most adorable and tacky turtle bracelets. Tiny little turtles.  First thought is still "Mom doesn't have a turtle like that!"  Guess that'll always be the case.  We still look at some material and smile and say "Grandma" and we've added "Mom" to that, especially check material like Chuck liked you to make his shirts out of. The house is coming along nicely.  There's SO MUCH left to do just this season.  I need to scrub the porch down and repaint the railings, put more mulch in the garden.  Weed whack around pavers and place more down, replant my plate row border, trim back down the driveway, tend to the back.... Paint the bathroom, touch up paint in my room, lay tile in my room, scrub and paint kitchen cabinets - so much ....but, it's home. We own it.  If we hadn't moved here before we lost you, Mom, Jackie and I would have both been sleeping in my car or in

Hey Mama, Was just hoping last night that you and Marie are pleased we got Marie's quilt finished and the tumbler quilt you were working.  Not quite what either of you had pictured but we worked with what we had and had to work around some problems. Really missing you.  I think you'd like what we've got planned for the yard.  Nick began making the fire pit and we've planted the trees we got from the Arbor Foundation last year.  A couple didn't make it through the winter even though we pulled them in onto the back porch.  I was disappointed the black walnut didn't thrive but we've got maples, red buds, crape myrtles and dogwoods in addition to being surrounded by maples, pines, dogwoods and mimosas. We are seriously going to miss having Nick here.  With him working so hard we didn't find time or energy to really take him all over the state and beyond but he knows this is home and knows something of a future awaits here if anything happens to us.  He

hey Mom; Not even talking about the torment of trying to write and having characters remain silent or when I can't even pull a decent plot line together.  The real recent frustrations are over the tendonitis in my arms/elbow and the realization that the ridges in the palm of my hand that are bruised deeply and hurt a bit are probably because of carpal tunnel.  Something I was hoping to avoid despite the decades of power typing.  <sigh>  So, I bought a good, solid wrist and forearm brace and I'm going to work more with voice recognition. It's spring here and wishing you were here to see everything in bloom, Mom (without the allergies, of course!).  Nick is doing well with getting ready for the military.  Scoring higher than Chris and being singled out as a leader and being singled out for advanced testing has been good for his self esteem.  Working hard and getting noticed in his two jobs also helps.  He also might have an occasional gig singing and playing guitar

hey, mom - it's  warming up quickly here.  lt was cold yesterday and today it was warm enough to make me sweat enough to buy a bandanna. l went to Walmart and took my time shopping instead of rushing as i would normally do.  kinda tired tonight and my hand is really hurting very badly- the tendons are bulging and hurt. it is also really difficult to use the onscreen keyboard. seriously thinking of talking with our insurance person about life insurance and how to go about setting up living wills and final wills.  Right now if anything happens to both of us David would get everything and he would not hold to our wishes.  Our stuff would be gone within days and who knows what would happen to the cats?  We have different ideas and we know that you would approve, mom.

Last week was in the low 80s, yesterday was 65F, today 75F, tomorrow 85F and I thought California was bad with the temp drops and rises! Working on getting the house clean and kinda dreading Nick going off to the Navy in 2 months, we're going to miss the kid even if we don't see him much.  He's been so busy working like crazy and spending time with his friends that he's hardly ever home.  His last night at the restaurant is Thursday, after that he's going to focus solely on working around the house and getting ready for the extra testing for the Navy thing.  Definitely looking forward to the Alice Cooper concert next Tuesday!  Nick has never seen Alice in concert, this will be a blast! Missing you, Mama, something fierce the last few days.  We miss you all the time but it's been rougher than usual and I'm not sure why. I think you'd like the plans we have for the house and Nick.

Cooking a nice lunch for the family (Nick celebrates Easter) - it includes another try at mustard potato salad with the hope of coming close to Mom's recipe which she never wrote down and wouldn't tell us the secret ingredient (she thought she had more time to share those). With a Southern recipe off the internet and with a bit of adjusting by Jackie and myself (and a quick trip to Kroger for forgotten items)..... by Jove, I think we've got it! Darn close to Mom's potato salad. Happy Snoopy dance! We will definitely pass along the treasured recipes to Nick Carr !    By now I'm a bit tired of matzah crackers, I'll admit.  I don't eat a lot of bread but I do eat crackers and I'm missing them a bit.    Ma - not exactly your potato salad recipe but darn close! We love and miss you and think you'd be very proud of Nick and the progress he's made since Sept. 

Missing California, family and friends.  I miss my Mama and Nyx. I'm on speech recognition software today because I strained those arm muscles that just won't heal.  Either lifting a bag of books, groceries or hammering too much yesterday. I want stars on my ceiling in glow-in-the-dark paint but I don't want a random pattern.  So, I looked up constellations, printed them off, projected them onto poster boards (5 of them) and got a leather punch set and set about hammering holes out of the poster boards with a hammer.  I'll have to whack the punches through tin foil a few times to sharpen them back up once I'm done with the last board.  I've found that the hammering isn't good for the arm muscles right now.  Ugh I'll tack the boards to the ceiling and dab the glow pain over the holes, viola - I'll have constellations and random stars on my ceiling that glow once the light is out but are invisible during the day.  I used to have 3 large roles wit

I don't seem to have a switch in my head that tells me when I should stop over-extending  Doing too much housework or running errands at a time is pretty darn common for me and it hurts.  Jackie and Nick went to get the oil changed this morning.  I rearranged the history section of our library, fed the cats and made my tea and they came home. Jackie realized she had forgotten to drop off the library books.  I knew she was tired and said I could do that.  At the library one of the clerks and I talked for several minutes about gourds, Indian beadwork, wood burning and crafts.  She works with gourds and I gave her my email and said I was definitely interested.  Grabbed a couple of books and bought a couple hardbacks = ow Went to Taco Bell and got box meals for the three of us and headed home.  Ate a little and got a wild hair and swept and mopped the living room tiled area = ow. Tired and aching, just like everyday of the last week because I keep pushing.

Hey Mom; We were pretty much in shock and full on grief yesterday.  Today, it hurts like hell and its sinking in. Jackie didn't have anyone chase her feet last night, nudge her Kindle out of the way or snuggle up next to her arm. I have to remember to set out one less dish of the small amount of canned food everyone gets as a treat.  I'm still listening for her voice to let us know she wanted someone in Jackie's room to pay attention to her and we should get in there NOW!  She also had a pretty good schedule - about 7pm she'd start yowling because Jackie wasn't getting ready for bed and paying attention. It hurts. Deacon wanted outside today when I went to the check mail and he trotted down to the driveway and rolled in the gravel.  I stopped and petted him and we had a good couple of minutes of loving in the sunlight. It's supposed to be higher 60s today and up to 74 in a few days.  The up and down weather hurts the body but I think everyone is read

Sorry, Mama, I've neglected the blog for awhile and it's not with good news that I take this up again. We lost Nyx last night at 3 a.m.  G-d, it hurts.  She was fine yesterday - playing and demanding love and trying to grab me when I tried to walk out of the room.  Then she was in distress and then gone. Posted to Facebook Nyx - our 15 yr old tortie was playing with my sister and I yesterday and acting like the tortie kitten she could be. At 2:40 Jackie woke me saying Nyx was in distress. Our baby crossed the bridge at 2:50 a.m. We suspect something with the heart. G-d, this hurts so bad. We've nearly given up hope that the tortie that got out 2 months ago will come back and now we lose Nyx so suddenly - gut shot emotionally here. Take care of Mama, Nyx. Entertain her with your buzz saw voice which I am going to miss dreadfully. # # # # Jackie and Nick took care of seeing her off, they know how hard it is for me to handle this and sent her on her w