Letters to Mom

with very heavy heart I need to honor a very dear friend and part of the family for over 2 decades. Stewart Cramer passed away late Sept. His daughter found my Yule card and called. He could no longer walk and gave up. Please remember him a t the fires this year, raise a goblet, a glass, a drinking horn or a cup (filled with his favorite coffee). He was amazing. Every time we'd see him we'd learn something new - which saying a lot since we saw him practically every other month. Hope you got to hear how he killed a Studebaker car with a pair of paratrooper boots, had to pay for the car, got demoted and transferred to Japan. He never drank again. The pictures are from a campout in 2006. He's wearing a Viking over tunic that Mom made for him and on his beret is a beadwork piece that I did. Hail Stewart!

Mom and Mama Marie; We miss you both so much. It's not the same without you. I haven't even watched the Grinch once this season. I had pinto beans and northern beans for dinner tonight.  I know that would make you smile, Mom.  I remember that first Christmas after Harley almost killed you and you threw him out. We hadn't lost the house yet but things were rough.  The only food we had were beans and potatoes and my gifting was the encyclopedias that you and Harley had bought on time months before.  We were headed to Uncle George and Aunt Rose's place in LA the next day. You made that dinner special, Mom.  You lit candles and we opened presents (I think Grandma "helped" with your gifts).  There have been a lot of holiday meals since then, Mom, but that one stays in the forefront of the memories. We miss you

The holidays are hard without you, Mom.  We've been thinking of you a lot (which is something considering I miss you every day).  The holidays are low key again this year.  We don't even remember last year, things were so horrible.  We each got a couple of things for each other but didn't decorate other than putting out my nutcrackers.  We didn't make a Thanksgiving dinner but we did go out at Lynn's insistence and had a nice dinner at Golden Corral - first time we had steak in a long time. We're not cooking for Christmas day.  We're going to attempt a turkey breast today.  Neither of us feel like eating so we'll see how this works out.

Miss you, Mama; It's been so hard at times.  It feels like it was yesterday and we can't believe you're gone.  We're trying to keep going with things.  Losing you and many of the "kids" has been devastating.  Love you, Mama

50 years ago today my father was stationed at Ft Worth, Texas - right next to Dallas.  Mom's story: Bob, Mom and I were taking a nap (I was 3-4 years old) and they had the radio on.  The news that President John F. Kennedy had been shot in Dallas.  Both pairs of feet hit the floor at the same time. Bob quickly got dressed, pulled what money he had out of his pockets and put it on the dresser, kissed me and then kissed Mom and said he didn't know when he'd be home.  My father was in the Army and was a fine soldier - a drill sergeant, soldier of the month many times, and more.  No one knew what was happening - chaos and disbelief swamped the entire nation but especially in Texas.  Everyone waited by phones, televisions and radios, many people hovering around appliance stores or beauty parlors, anywhere there was a tv or a radio. Then came the word hours later that President Kennedy was dead and the nation went numb and then into a depression. Fifty ...

<a href="http://www.outofservice.com/bigfive/results/?oR=0.825&amp;cR=0.556&amp;eR=0.375&amp;aR=0.639&amp;nR=0.688">I'm a O76-C41-E18-A44-N76 Big Five!!</a> Thing says I enjoy spending time alone, I'm creative and a little high strung. Is that me? Go figure

Hey Mama; Been an up and down couple of weeks, eh?  It's been easier with reliable transportation and not going into an absolute panic over money.  We know things will be tight eventually but for now being able to have a full freezer of food and being able to take Grady to the vet is good. Downside: Jackie lost her birth Mom yesterday.  We've known it's been coming but it's still hard.  In some ways having you go so quickly was good but it left us reeling and still does.  I can't believe it was less than 2 weeks, Mom. Downside: Grady has bounced back a little but he won't recover, not with feline HIV. We'll do what we can for him.  My stubby tail stubborn boy - still has some fire in him. downside: with the recent project with the bookcases, cleaning and moving things racked out my back for a week and it's still not recovered, damnit. neutral: I start some intense counseling this week and Jackie has treatment for her back on Thurs, day after my...

Hey Mama; Beat you're beaming watching this!

Haven't been really able to write about Dru until now, Mom. Another one that went so quickly, within 24 hours.  We knew there was a chance with her and the allergies and she was always so thin. We didn't expect it that quickly. Hurts Ma

Another one is with you, Mama.  We knew we'd lose Annie and Darcy this year. We didn't expect either of them to live as long as they did.  Darcy made it past her birthday but not quite to the anniversary of her joining our lives on Halloween.    Remember how I'd go to the post office almost every day six days a week in North Fork and she'd climb the steps up the hill and wait on the rock next to Josh's place for me.  She'd spot me and begin meowing softly: mew, mew, mew, mew.  That was her special time with me.  I'd talk to her, pet her, she'd scratch on the boards and I'd pet some more.   She continued that here a lot, running down to the steps when we'd pull up, demanding attention. Our beautiful, beautiful Darcy, she took a final trip to the vet today and crossed over as I held and talked to her. She gave me tiny mews and head butted me.  She was calm and attentive, not stressed out at all as I was afraid she might be.  ...

  We left the house on bicycles to a nearby credit union. They would put a 9 day hold on a check and not sure they'd open an account for Jackie, please try Regions.  Okay, ride the bikes up to the UHaul rental place (2 miles from home) and get a pickup. We put the bikes in the back and drive to Walmart.  The amount of the check is too big for Walmart to cash or put on the prepaid card. Drive to Regions.         No problem - open an account and get starter checks, the ATM card and printed checks will be sent out. We were told there would be no problem buying a car today.        we then drive to Honda (no food yet) There was Jackie's car on the showroom floor with her name on it.  Midnight plum, 2013 Honda Fit.  Awesome - fill out the paperwork which takes HOURS.  Wait, a starter check? No printed check? Let me check.  No, need a cashier's check instead.         O...

Hey Ma, took some time but ships are sailing.  They won't sail around the world but we can breathe some fresh air now

One of the Facebook pages I watch is a tribute page to Peter Cushing, one of my favorite actors since I was 9 yrs old.  It reminded me of a favorite story from you, Mom. gather round guys:  "The day my mother told my father she was pregnant with me they went to a drive in movie in KY.  Hound of the Baskervilles was playing.  Unknown to Mom there was a resident dog at the drive in that would go around scarfing up the inedible hamburgers, hot dogs and cardboard pizzas...... A big dog - a Great Dane.  The timing was perfect, I'm told. When the Hound on the screen attacked the Great Dane leaned his head in Mom's window and muffed at her. My father ended up on his tailbone sitting outside the car and Mom was standing over him trying to calm her racing heart, his ears ringing from her scream. She had somehow gotten out over him and under the steering wheel, knocking him out of the car.  He couldn't get off the asphalt for several minutes because he was laughing...

    Dear Gd, thank you for seeing us home on brand new bikes with racks that held a bag of cat food and tools on one and a PRINTER/COPIER/SCANNER and a backpack with odds and ends.         Thank you for giving us the blinding rain after walking the bikes a mile on an upgrade. The blinding rain was challenging on new bikes but very refreshing**         ** mild sarcasm indicated We didn't intend on getting bikes today but the deal was good. Now we die for the rest of today and tomorrow

Hey Mama; Jackie's disability came through. Now we just have to wait for the back money to come in.  We're going to see about a new roof for the house and a car.  Trying to get around on bicycles has been really rough.  It's a 4 mile round trip to Kroger or Walmart.  Never thought I could make that but we've managed, sorta.  Of course, one trip to Kroger and we were laid out for the next two days.  There is definitely a lot of reasons by we get those small checks every month. Wish you were here, Mama. We'd take you out for steak after we get a car.

Ma; you wouldn't believe today.  Here's a recap (more details tomorrow) Probably heading off very early - started out on our bikes (okay, hills are tough, my mountain bike isn't light).  Stopped at a mini mart and then a bank. Got to sit there for about 10 minutes. Then a stop at Home Depot to buy a wrench - my brakes were sticking. Then to Kroger - up and down hills and through parking lots. Got some essentials (nothing cold) and worked our way to a JoAnn's.  Shopped a little (no black or white beads darn it). Then to a bookstore. No books I wanted (yes, I was tired by then). I'm beyond pain by this point.  I had a case of cat food cans in my backpack in addition to a few other things, probably around 15-20 pounds.  Had to walk the bikes up a sloping hill to the mini mart. My leg giving out more and more. Finally onto our road and downhill from the school and then up our sloping driveway. I was in agony at this point. btw: the trip to Krog...

Okay, we don't have pictures but the fact we have a quart of milk and loaf of bread proves Jackie and I just rode to the mini mart and back - about 1/2 mile round trip. In the rain (it wasn't raining when we started!). We have small hills and inclines but also some nice bike paths in most parts. Jackie has a street 18 speed Trek bicycle and I have a cheap little mountain bicycle = both used. T his was our first venture on the things and we didn't do too bad. Had to walk the bikes up one incline. After 35 years of not being on a bike, not too bad but we definitely couldn't make it to Kroger and back. Oh, the reason for the bike ride? The tank (a.k.a. the Bronco) is losing oil pressure because of the gasket at the valves. Now we need to get in contact with a mechanic recommended by our handyman/best friend, arrange to get the tank to the mechanic and a ride home and then wait. We're opting to get the tank fixed for now. We can't look for ...

Hey Ma; we figured the starter solenoid was going out because of the problem we had getting home Thursday and having to get a jump start at Wal-Mart Saturday, or was that Friday?  Once we got the jump start we got the tank home and quickly disconnected the battery so whatever wiring is screwed up didn't drain the battery. After Thursday with the relief and then MEGA stress getting home, I was wiped out for a couple of days and physically sick.  Still sick yesterday. Not sure its because I'm having trouble sleeping and we did a lot of physical work last week or I caught a stupid bug - body aches, headache, neck ache, sore throat, upset stomach, etc.  I just couldn't get to O'Riley's to get a new solenoid.  We decided we really needed to get that done today and I talked with them at the shop while Jackie sat in the running car - we were afraid to turn the car off.  The clerk said that it was likely the wiring, especially after driving through the downpour an...

Ma; looks like Jackie's situation is going to turn around.  It may take 2-3 months to get official word but her lawyer says its a lock - the vocational rehab person said there's no job to train her for. That went beyond well.  We had gotten to Atlanta early enough to find the place, get parked and get something to eat.  We found the office and got something to eat and went into the office.  While waiting my stomach went straight to hell.  By the time Jackie went in for the appointment I was nearly doubled over. The acid has returned to the back of my throat and the stomach is hurting like it did before they put me on the meds.  Gotta check when my followup is scheduled for. So, the meeting went well and we got a soda and headed out - we weren't up for the mall.  Neither of us have been sleeping well the last week and Jackie hadn't taken meds so she could be totally coherent and uncomfortable instead of having the meds mask the real pain. We got...

Hey Ma - the pictures I took of the pillow case Lynn sent didn't turn out.  I'll try again tomorrow.  You two had such an amazing friendship, it was amazing at times.  We'll mail her package out this week (now that it's after the 3rd of the month) Missing you terribly, Mom.

Ma,   I ever tell you my idea for a short story? A giant mutant spider crawling out the bathroom floor vent and woman has to battle said creature naked?  Was up late last night,  logged off, shut everything down. Weird noises with the cats. Had to give Dru a pill (loads of fun).  Check everyone else, try not to stumble over dishes, boxes and frying pans in the floor.         2:45 a.m. one last trip to the bathroom. sitting there and hear: scritch, scratch, scratch, scritch      what the hell?  Thankfully, it wasn't a spider.  I think I would have had a heart attack. It was a huge a** waterbug that looks like a giant roach       silver duct work material - he was climbing up through the duct work, probably escaping the kitchen (where we are spraying and cleaning)      I WAS FREAKED.  I'm sitting there with my pants down and something is scratching at...

We're giving freezing eggs a try, Ma.  We can pick up eggs when they're on sale. Sometimes Kroger puts 4 dozen for $5 or something. If freezing works for us, we can save some money.  Same with some veggies and fruit.  I gave freezing strawberries a try.  I think they turned out okay. I cut the strawberries in half and then sliced those.  Dipped them in a syrup of sugar water - 1 part sugar, 2 parts water and placed the strawberry bits on a paper-towel lined cookie sheet and put that in the standing freezer.  I'll put them in bags tomorrow. For the eggs I followed instructions from the internet (go figure). Broke the eggs into a bowl, 3 at a time since that's what we usually use.  Then stirred them up to break the yokes and then poured that into an ice cube tray.  Six cubes equal three large eggs.  Once they freeze I'll put them in bags and date them.  We can't find the dehydrator but Walmart has one that's inexpensive but powerful....

Depressed today but we expected that.  We've been told the first year is the hardest. Missing you, Mom. It also doesn't help that I got really sick today. Sick enough to go back to bed after some work on the porch and I slept for over 2 hours.  I haven't done that in years.

Well, Georgia certainly is different than North Fork, California!  Here's what west Georgia looks like after heavy rain (coming after 3 yrs of drought) Note the Crete myrtle blooms, Mom - just like the one you had at Grandma's place. Chris came by and mowed most of the grass, thankfully.  I had started but it was going to take a few days for me to do it. We did get the garden weed whacked and hit it with the hoe - looks much better

Hey Mom; Okay, we've talked about you not giving us the secret ingredient in the potato salad and the Kathy's casserole but now I've got another one: where the hell is the recipe for the mayonnaise cake? I thought I'd make one Saturday to honor your birthday.  I've found recipes online but haven't a clue if they'll turn out like yours.  Hurts a lot this week, Ma. Oh yeah, I read in a news article that Facebook has a "spam" folder that is hard to spot.  I went in and found mine and it is hard to spot - I found a message from Val and Jo, Ma.  Day after you left us.  How frickin horrible! They thought I never responded to them and I thought they never reached out. I filled them in. Just another rough spot in the road, Mom. I'll post pictures of my latest beadwork that I've still got on the loom (have to finish the ends off on each) and other stuff - like what the yard looks like after all the rain we've had.  I started mowing...

We've had a LOT of rain here, including a downpour that overran the gutters, formed a small creekbed in our driveway and overflowed our little soaker pool. I went down to the garage/basement to find a dehydrator (and can't find the darn thing), smelled mold and grabbed a flashlight.  We have three major hot spots and all the wood and some paper in the garage was covered. We grabbed gloves, masks, vinegar and hydrogen peroxide and bleach.  So we spent the last hour cleaning up Mom's toddler furniture and my art pieces.  I'll have to get more cement caulking to expand the barrier on the floor and hit the walls again with the sealant basement paint (if it's still good - stuff is expensive).   We had a problem when we moved in and I got some of that sealing paint and caulking.  I caulked all the cracks/grout and formed a barrier on the floor in the worst spot.  Then I painted the north side of the basement and garage with the sealing paint - ...

Jackie and I decided to cook up some of the macaroni to have around while it's so hot.  We both hit the kitchen and I cruised a couple of recipes and got some basics and set out.  We divided the pasta up and Jackie wanted to try a fruit/pasta salad and I went for a mustard base and an Raspberry vinaigrette based one. A little experimenting and we came up with some good ones and stumbled across your secret Mom. Your world (regional at least) potato salad, the mustard based one.  We always knew mustard, dill seed or pickles, boiled eggs, onion, potatoes and your secret which you wouldn't tell us.  I know you meant to, I know that. So - mustard pasta salad:  macaroni, boiled eggs, mustard, a touch of sage, sugar, onions, a hint of mayo and the secret ingredient - apple cider vinegar savory macaroni pasta salad: macaroni, boiled eggs, onion, raspberry vinaigrette, hint of sage, dill seed and a bit of onion soup mix, hint of mayo to calm the soup mix down. ...

I called Vicki yesterday, Mom.  I sent her the pictures of the quilt and got back this wonderful email: (miss you both, Ma! you and Mama Marie!) From: Vicki XXXXXX <xxxxxxxxx@gmail.com> To: barb <xxxxxxxx@yahoo.com> Sent: Thursday, July 4, 2013 1:48 PM Subject: Re: the quilt Omg.  That is beautiful.  My mother would have loved that so much.  I could just see her smiling over you as you worked on that quilt.  She loved you all so much.       Its hard for me to put into words how much your story touched my heart.  For the first time since mom passed, your story gave me a vision of my mom talking on the phone with you as if she were still here.  She seemed so good that last week.  Very happy.    I will print and keep this story to pass on to my daughters and grand kids.  In fact I will pass it on to the whole family.  It brings to life fond memories of mom.   T...

We lost Kimmers, Mama. With the wet weather that infection came back. Fuzz Bot was sick but she is doing pretty good with some TLC.  It's been raining like crazy for several days and we thought Kimmers was coming up inbetween storms to eat, the food disappeared from the railings.  Even Holly wanted inside several times. I got up last night to feed Darcy some more canned food (we're babying her in her old age) and heard horrible wheezing.  I figured it was Holly with his allergies but he was outside. I found Kimmers on the floor of the dining room barely breathing.  On July 4th after 5pm.  We got her dry, her nose cleared and some meds down her. I went and got Robitussin cough syrup to break up the mucus and sat with her all night.  She'd start to get better and then slip. Back n forth all night and all day. She really took a turn around 5 and the water and cough syrup were no longer helping like we were advised.  She tried to get into my closet...

Hey, okay yesterday I had 3 fans going in my room - one at the door, one in the window and the overhead.  Oh yeah, I keep a small one going, blowing under my laptop to keep it cool (the laptop lap desks with coolers really don't work as well as they should). TODAY: it's 75F which feels cold because of the heat we've been having.  How weird is this?! Our family and friends are suffering in a heat wave that's hot enough to melt tennis shoes and reach 118F in Death Valley and 114F in Barstow. Jackie and I started a grocery list and got into an organizing frenzy (including checking dates on stuff).  The cabinets and pantry are organized, next we'll do the laundry room and the can goods. We need to start tackling your room more and decide if we're going to try and do a yard sale, donate clothes to a charity or consignment shop or what. We miss you, Mama.

Another heat wave in the west, Mom.  114F in Barstow is the predicted temp today and 128F in Death Valley. Alerts from Sacramento to beyond Arizona.  It's hot here as well, both Jackie and I thought about getting in the soaker pool last night (w/out talking about it to each other).  I do think that I prefer the dry heat of the west. This humidity stuff is killer! What do you think of the quilt, Ma? And our idea for the left over panels?  Two of them we're going to finish and hang on the wall in the family room along with my mixed media bead work project.  I've started a new one - correcting faults from the first one and, hopefully, be able to sell it. The car is running and I'm becoming more confident in it for the short term.  We're checking out what money we've saved can buy us and think we may need to try to add more money to the kitty to get a dependable car.  There's no sense buying someone else major problems. We haven't heard from Polly,...

Hey Ma; Chris worked on the fuel filter and that's made a lot of difference. We may feel safe going to Atlanta and back in the tank.  We are about half way to having a beginning amount to look for a different used car.  If Jackie gets a judgment in her favor - definitely a dependable little car. Today we checked out bicycles at Wal-Mart but I was reluctant to tap into the car money to buy a new bicycle, especially if we might not use it much so we held off.  We went to a couple of pawn shops and Goodwill but they only had children's bikes.  We went to K=Mart the next town over (the car ran okay - I'm still paranoid as hell yet).  They had a decent bike that we could both ride (yes, I have short legs) for $99 Again we decided to hold back.  At $99 + a different seat + lock + helmets + odds and ends, we'd be well over $150.  I planned on cruising Craigslist like I have been and keeping our eyes out for a used bike. We were close to the ...

We did it, Mama.  We finished Marie's quilt and I'm sitting here crying, I miss you both so much. I know we probably didn't do the binding exactly right, I couldn't remember what you showed me. We checked out some quilting books so when we finish the tumbler quilt we'll do better. It feels good that we could finish it for you, Mama, but it also hurts. We decided that we're going to hang my mixed media art piece, the Hebrew alphabet in beadwork pieces on a 3-D plywood board and dowels.  On either side of that we're going to put leftover finished panel pieces.  Your work and mine, Mom. Love you and miss you

 Hey Mama, You've got Annie with you now.  I know you thought we'd lose her in October.  You and Jackie did an amazing job caring for her.  After we lost you she bonded straightaway with Jackie and Jackie was so patient and loving, going beyond what many would do for the frail little cat. For a small cat no bigger than a 4 month old kitten she's going to leave a huge whole in our lives. Annie - 2 1/2 yrs old Mom's little miracle cat. She was bottle fed, underweight and frail.  She never grew into cat size but her eyes could reveal an old soul in a tiny body.  She was always frail and she began losing a fight with allergies and colds in October. Mom and Jackie nursed her and held her for hours every day. When Mom passed we were sure we were going to lose Annie as well. Jackie did an amazing job caring and loving the little cat and Annie's expression and purrs let us know the love was returned. Annie lost her fight this morning and has joined Mo...

Working on the last bluebird, Mom.  Not sure if I'll try and put them together in a string quilt or just sell them as is. May need to find a different place to try and get sales going - Zibbet isn't working.  Of course reading the books I've downloaded on how to start a small craft business might help. I need a round TUIT, Ma

Okay, Mom, that was hard today.  I sent out an update to quite a few people, letting them know we're working on health issues, working on the house and yard and how much we miss you.  Betty Lecat wrote back absolutely panicked and dreading the answer she knew was coming, I think.  She hadn't received my emails this last 6 months and was asking where you were. She said she knew you wouldn't return to California without me, what happened? I had to tell her, Mom.  Explain it all over again, knowing how much that was going to hurt.  She wrote back and said she had called Lynn a couple of weeks ago and had asked if Lynn was still missing you and me. Now Betty understands why Lynn burst into tears.  She thought it was just from missing us because of the move.  It hurts, Mama. We were listening to snippets of songs from the 60s and many of them were from our childhood and some of your favorites.  Bittersweet hearing them.  Jackie almost danced...

Hey Mom; Did you see the latest on Deadliest Catch?  I caught a story on Yahoo since we don't have TV anymore: the boys own the Cornelia Marie outright, not just a percentage. Just like Phil wanted.  I know he was your absolute favorite and how heartbreaking it was for him to die at age 53. Maybe if he had taken the meditation and stretching I'm doing he wouldn't have developed the clots.  I've got a timer on the computer that reminds me to get up and stretch and I did my 2nd yoga class last night.  It's really low impact, more stretching than strengthening right now, but we're all bottom rate beginners and most of us can't bend to touch our knees let alone our toes (except for the one girl that could probably put her foot behind her head).  I think it'll help as long as the stressful drive to and from doesn't counteract the good I'm doing. They increased my meds a bit and I think it's helping this time.  Warmer weather will help as wel...

Hey, Mama; We received the crete myrtle that Lynn and Jerry ordered for you, in the color you always loved.  Jackie and I planted it today along with the marigolds I bought for you and some pretty flowers to go along with those. We used the good soil we bought at Home Depot and got some mulch too.  You've got your dogwoods and crete myrtle, Mama, just like you wanted in a home of your own.  I'm sorry we didn't get the crete myrtle last year.  We thought we had time. Pretty normal thought, isn't it? Love you, Mama.  We miss you.

I may find out I'm actually pretty healthy other than the stomach problems, chronic back pain and the PTSD stuff, LOL My counselor thinks I'm ready to get back on the list for the intense PTSD therapy and my med levels are okay right now.  The meditation and stretching is helping and, as long as a major crisis doesn't hit (like the car breaking down), I think I can start to climb out of the darkness we've been in. Go figure, I'm learning meditation and stretching through a program at the VA and I've started guitar lessons through Courserera, that program where I took the Fantasy and Sci-Fi literature course.  So, I dragged out my acoustic and electric and I'm going to give it a good try. My heart checks out okay, my colon is good, my depression might be improving and my skin check came up with two spots that were freeze-dried off (a good check up at this point). Now to get the stomach under control and my nutrition under control and that'll help....

Hey Mom; Lynn called and asked what color was your favorite in a crete myrtle, she and Jerry are sending us one.  We bought marigolds to plant, we've got several dogwood on the property and you'll have your crete myrtle. We can't believe it. They are so wonderful and we are beyond grateful. We found a wonderful teapot for Lynn's present next Christmas, we've got it squirreled away. Love and miss you, Mom.

I thought the visit with my Aunt Jeannie and hubby Keith had gone okay.  I know I was scattered, still in the weird first stages of grief but it is surprising that they aren't responding to my emails, even the one I sent of scanned pictures of my father. All emails have ceased, including updates and the "God, country and Jesus" emails. One thing that might have caused the change is my weblinks to the blogs at the bottom of my emails.  I think, maybe, they cruised my blogs and figured out I'm not a Christian and that I'm a Jew. Is that it, Ma?  Could they cut off contact with the first kid of my generation in the family? The only surviving child of dad?  Could anyone be that....petty and cruel?  Extend a hand, invite me into the family after a decade of silence aside from general update emails and then pull it back because I'm a Jew? I lost friends when I converted and I gained some.  I've known about prejudice and idiocy all my life so I knew what ...

A derby without you, Mom.  The hats, the excitement, the predictions, looking the horses over, the hats did I mention the hats? You absolutely adored the hats at the derby.  You enjoyed the hats more than the pre-race shindigs http://sports.yahoo.com/photos/2013-kentucky-derby-hats-slideshow/ There were some beautiful ones and some downright weird ones. I've started an online class with Courserea, that group I took the Fantasy and Sci-Fi class from.  Guitar this time and I'm grateful I already have 2, one acoustic and one electric.  The class is really simple, just what I need.  Yoga, guitar lessons, more attention to prayer, doing the crafts and writing - I might pull out of this yet, Ma.  I'm still bouncing back and forth between losing 2-3 lbs this week to staying steady.  This morning I hit 140, down from 160 since Thanksgiving.  My doctor sent a bunch of vitamins, I'm malnourished.  Go figure, I haven't been eating much becau...

Hey Ma; Been missing you a lot lately. Maybe it's the fact that Mother's Day is coming up and Jackie and I would be scrambling to figure out where to find a turtle that you don't have. Lynn called yesterday, she is missing you something fierce! They sent us photo of Lynn spreading some of your ashes under a red bud tree on the property.  I know you're happy with that. You two are so close, it just fits that you're there. Got my lab results back: I'm low on some vitamins - go figure. I haven't been eating well because of the stomach problem and I don't absorb vitamins very well in pill form.  I'm going to start on the smoothies again.

Hey, I figured out what the stomach problem is last night.  My last doctor casually mentioned that I have a hernia just below the sternum last Feb (2012) and said it wasn't a problem since I didn't have major heartburn.   She didn't ask about the acid taste in the back of my throat, trouble swallowing at times, stomach aches, etc.  She also didn't ask again in Nov when this REALLY kicked in.   Chasing down the symptoms I hit on the acid re-flux   I've never had the burning pain in the chest people talk about and the pain hasn't been specific food related. At times simple water or broth hurts but the other symptoms fit and I remembered the hernia.  I've had two stomach surgeries, opened up from sternum to bikini underwear line and I've always had one muscle at the top that is sensitive: I cough, sneeze or lift something and it sometimes goes "ZING, Hey, I'm here! I'm going to cause some pain now, how's that for your day?!" ...

Hey Ma; I'm going to give something new a try at the VA.  My colon test came back looking fantastic. My tests are looking okay so that means either I'm developing an ulcer but it's not bleeding or I've totally psyched myself out with all the stress, grief, fear, and depression and can't eat. My new doctor has put me on a new med for my stomach.  So far there's no improvement. I may need to go back in and get a test to see if it is an ulcer and not just a "nervous" stomach. My counselor is very concerned that I'm not dealing with grief but that its shifted to a major depression and dealing with grief. I need to find a way to bounce out of this.  She also thinks I'm ready to tackle the PTSD now.  Hell, at this point, I'll try it.  It's controlled my life ever since I was five years old. She asked if I would volunteer for a study at the VA - yoga/meditation for survivors/PTSD sufferers.  Non-invasive, low impact for survivors, wome...

Hey, Ma; Good news from the latest tests at the VA.  The colon test came back great.  I admit I was a little worried, not just about taking the test but the possible results. With the abuse issues that can lead to ulcers in the colon later in life, I was worried.  It came back great.  Yay! The blood work looks good, no anemia, the liver, kidneys and such are good.  My new doctor wants to check my vitamin levels because of my weight loss. There's more, however.  A bit irritating. The VA here is overwhelmed and it's easy to slip through the cracks. They're very good at ordering any kind of test and referral you might need but it can take 2-3 months to see your primary care doctor. Last Feb. I finally got in to see my new doctor and she had the flu and wanted me to reschedule. I asked her to give me 5 minutes to do my med renewal (a requirement every quarter or more if you take narcotics). She wasn't happy but I got the meds renewed, let her know...